Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kaycie Sez...

Quick and dirty today... have lots to do!!!  Here you go:

When I called upstairs to see if Ken and Kaycie wanted hot dogs for dinner, Kaycie came barrelling full tilt down the stairs and said:  "Yes, please Mommy!  Woo hoo!"  Then she said:  "Mommy, Mommy, Mom... can I have this orange thing called 'meat' in mine? ...and a bun?"

When I asked Kaycie if she could go pick up the bottle that Knolan had dropped on the floor, there was a long pause and then she said:  "Sorry Mommy.  My hands are full."  When I looked at her with that "mom" look, she said:  "See?  One hand is holding my shirt, and the other hand is holding my belly."  (To her credit, she actually had been holding her shirt and belly the whole time.)

A police officer drove up in front of our house while Kaycie and her friend Bella were riding their bikes and stopped to ask me if I'd seen someone with a description he provided me that the police were looking for.  After he and I finished that little exchange, the officer told the girls how happy he was that they were wearing their bike helmets.  Kaycie could barely contain her excitement and awe that a real, live police officer was talking to her, and burst out with:  "I'm going to be a grown up when I grow up!" and did this bizarre little jig while she was telling him this.  The officer was so super cool... he just gave her a slow motion thumbs up and a nod of the head, and then he drove off while maintaining his thumbs up pose.  :-)

The Kaycie Dictionary

Ridictable:  We believe this may be a hybrid of "ridiculous" and "dispicable".  Used in a sentence:  "You are simply ridictable!!"

Show up:  She thinks this is how you say "show off".  Used in a sentence:  "That girl running around is just being a show up!"

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Bathroom Incident

It's the weekend!  So far mine has been fabby-doo... hope yours has been too!

It's a rare occurrence that our son Knolan does something that's easy to blog about, so when he does, I get chomping at the bit to share.  So, here's a little bathroom tale to add to your weekend reading list.

Knolan and I both had appointments with our doctor downtown this week, so I took the opportunity to set a meeting with my boss while I was down there to talk about my return to work post maternity leave.  After my meeting with her, my friend Hilda and I had planned to go for dinner.  As we were on our way out, Hilda noticed a distinct 'essence de Knolan' wafting through the air.  So, off I trucked to the office washroom to freshen the little guy up.

Upon entering the washroom, it suddenly dawned on me that office washrooms don't generally have an infant change table - and our office washroom was no exception.  So, I elected to put my change pad down on the countertop between the sinks to change my little stinker.  The set up looked like this:  (*Make note of my letter legend... that will come in handy later.  Also, sorry you have to scroll so much to see it!)

So, I lovingly begin to change Knolan's diaper - which, incidentally, is packed to the brim with the source of the 'essence'.  Wonderful.  And of course, he is completely preoccupying me with his most recent developmental milestone... that would be his insistence on jamming both his hands between his bum cheeks.  I am such a proud mama.  *sigh*

As I try desperately to control the situation - neither wanting to drop my poor baby on the floor, nor to sully the office washroom countertop - Knolan decides to investigate that shiny silver box on the wall to his right (In the "A" position in my diagram).  As he reaches out to caress this new shiny toy of his, I hear a little "wrrrr" sound, and look just in time to see this silver box dump a big puddle of liquid hand soap all over his arm.

Apparently the soap dispenser in our office washroom is now one of those handy automatic ones!  Well, if you are a fan of the philosophical concept of cause and effect, you're gonna love the chain of events that this soap dispenser triggered!

As the soap dispenser exacted its revenge on Knolan at point A in the diagram, I reacted by freaking out and whipping him - complete with soap-coated arm and essence-covered rear - forcefully to the right.

This put his head directly under the newly automated faucet at position "B" in my diagram!!! 

Poor Knolan's big ol' noggin was soaked by the instant stream of water that hit his head.  Of course, this made him kind of spaz out and start flipping his soap arm around while he attempted some sort of death roll that would put a crocodile to shame!  All the while, his crap covered diaper is just barely clinging to his little butt... thankfully!

And how do I react?  Oh, I whip him forcefully to the LEFT (under the faucet labelled "C"), which triggers a blast of water that soaks his feet and shoes instantly.  Of course!  At this point, even Knolan has succumbed to shock (which effectively put an end to the death-rolling... woo hoo!), and I just burst into maniacal laughter because I just didn't know what else to do!

After I managed to pull myself together and stop thrusting Knolan under automatic washroom features, I somehow managed to actually change the diaper and dry the poor kid off.  I dutifully cleaned up the puddle of soap, and wiped down the counters, and soon enough it looked just like an innocent bathroom once again, as opposed to the venus fly trap for babies that it actually is!

Oh well... it made for a good laugh when I came out of the washroom and told Hilda what had happened, and now I have a great story to tell Knolan when he's older.

Am I the only one that this kind of stuff happens to?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Monday Memories: A Veritable Buffet of Memories!

Hello!  It's late, late Monday evening, so I say this still counts as a Monday Memories entry.  :-)

After a big party with our families at our house to celebrate little Knolan's upcoming first birthday I have spent the bulk of today successfully ignoring the remaining dishes in the kitchen, doing only the bare essentials to keep my children alive, and avoiding getting dressed for the day.  I almost made it through the whole day in my PJs until I got a burst of energy at 5:00pm and decided that I would take Kaycie out to the back yard until Knolly woke up from his nap.  In hindsight, I probably could have worn my jammies... it's not like my neighbours haven't seen me in them before! 

Anyway, after a big day of doing nothing (and feeling guilty about it too... why is that?  I work my butt off round the clock most days and on the one day I decide to give myself a rest I'm finding myself feeling guilty!), I figured I had no reason that I couldn't squeeze in some blogging time.  So... here I am! 

I've been meaning to write about several particular memories, but never seem to be able make them fill a whole blog post because I am fuzzy on the details.  Then I had a brainwave and decided I could just share an abbreviated version of each memory and slap them all into one master post!  Genius!  I think they will still be funnier in my mind than I could ever make them in writing, but I'll still have a giggle putting pen to paper, so in the end it's all good.  And as I share these memories, if anyone of you out there reading these happen to know me and can recall more accurately what happened in each case, I'd be glad to know so that I can update my notes for posterity.  :-)

1.  My Brother and the Witness Protection Program:  I remember one time one of the kids in the neighbourhood was giving my brother - who was probably about 9 at the time - some serious hassles.  I am, as I warned you above, kind of sketchy on the details, but I seem to remember that my brother and his friends built a go-kart one day, and this neighbourhood kid had come by and stolen it, or wrecked it, or something like that.  Anyway, those details are not important.  The part of this story that will stay with me for eternity was the moment right after I found out all the details of what happened.  It was when I came across my brother standing in our driveway, livid and frantic about this go-kart.  He was explaining to me in rapid-fire style how this neighbourhood kid had messed with his go-kart.  He was using wild hand and facial gestures.  He was furious.  He was also a sweet little boy who had been slighted and I wanted more than anything to be there for him.  To be the reliable older sister who took him seriously and righted the wrong.  As he wrapped up his summary of the situation, and completed his closing commentary on go-kart-gate, he looked at me and with the most serious and indignant look on his face loudly stated, "... and I have a garage full of witnesses to prove it."  And with that, he dramatically punched in the code to our garage door opener, and the garage door opened to reveal about 10 kids all standing there with their arms crossed over their chests all gangster style.  It is the single greatest memory that I have of my brother.  For a moment, I was so in awe of how he had coordinated this awesome reveal... and then I can't be sure, but I likely burst out laughing. 

2.  Sanctuary! Sanctuary! (extra geek points for anyone who recognizes this Simpsons reference):  I remember I was standing out on our front lawn and I think my sister and our babysitter Valerie (or was it Stacey? I hope it was Valerie because I know she reads this blog!) were there too.  Anyway, I was probably about 10 at the time, and my sister and I had been good friends with a couple of guys in our neighbourhood for years and years.  On this particular day, we were just standing around on the lawn when we happened to look down the street and we saw our two friends come tearing around the corner on their bikes with a look of fear on their faces that would make you think that nothing short of Godzilla was hot on their trail.  The two of them sped their bikes up on to our lawn and basically doubled over with exhaustion.  I seem to remember something about my sister's favourite pen getting broken being part of the explanation of what came next, but it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that as the two of them were frantically trying to tell us in between wheezes and gasps for air what was going on, we all heard shouting and a thundering noise that got louder and louder, and looked up just in time to see a huge, angry, screaming mob of 10 year old boys also come tearing around the corner.  And when I say mob, I'm not talking about 4 or 5 kids... these two friends of ours had managed to anger a serious amount of kids!  Like dozens of kids!  I recall the mob coming to a stop at our property and that there was lots of shouting and fist shaking going on with our babysitter sort of stuck in the middle.  Unfortunately, I can't say that I remember what happened after that, but I'm pretty sure our babysitter would have been justified in asking my parents for a raise after that!

3.  The Head Angel Ruins Christmas:  I remember one year for our elementary school Christmas concert I was picked to be the head angel - entirely because I was the tallest girl in our class.  One day, during our dress rehearsal, me and the choir of heavenly angels were hiding in our places behind the giant projector screen waiting for our big reveal.  As we were waiting, I got a little chatty - as I am VERY prone to do.  I was chat, chat, chatting away and kind of forgot where I was and put my one hand on my hip and the other hand out to lean on the wall.  Except it wasn't a wall... it was the projector screen.  And I completely fell off of the bench I was standing on and pushed the screen forward and knocked over the GIANT Christmas tree that our custodian had spent an entire day putting up.  I really pride myself on keeping this blog family friendly and swear-free, but I must say... I got in a s***load of trouble that day.  :-)

4.  The Pickle Bomb:  Late one night while I was in university, I was sleeping soundly when I realized that there was a bomb in my room that needed to be contained and subsequently diffused.  I dutifully sat on the bomb - thankfully it had a warning alarm that had woken me - and waited for the right moment to attempt to diffuse it.  Then I heard a muffled voice coming from my rear screaming, "Kirsten!  Kirsten!"  It was only then that I was able to partially wake myself up from this bizarre sleep walking episode and realize that I was sitting on my phone and my sister (who had just called me) was screaming through the phone trying desperately to get my attention.  Once I was able to wake up enough to realize what I'd done, I knocked a whole wall full of pots and pans off their hooks while stumbling into walls doubled over with laughter trying to explain to my sister what had just happened.  What made the whole thing more hilarious was that I had a giant pickle phone at the time.  It basically looked like this:

Aaaannnddd.... I think I'll end there.   Ending this post on a pickle bomb just feels right, somehow.  :-)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

People Are Interesting

I think at one point I had said that I would post weekly about the interesting people I run across in my travels, but that certainly hasn't been happening.  Can we call it a 'regular feature' if I don't post regularly about it, but post occasionally about it?  :-)

Anyway, I have come across some real characters in the past week.  Hopefully my descriptions will do them justice:

1.  "Flex Horton" - There is a brand new fixture at our neighbourhood Tim Hortons.  I don't know his name, but what I do know about him is that he sure likes to flex.  This guy has been standing in front of our Tim Hortons for 3 days straight now, wearing the same outfit every day:  black parachute pants, black fanny pack, black muscle tank top, and black sunglasses.  He has a black barbed wire tattoo around his right bicep, and he spends pretty much all of his time (as far as I can determine) flexing his guns for the ladies.  He does a bicep curl, holds it, looks at it, and looks around to see who's looking.  It is awesome.  My friend Sara from my days in residence may remember "Yogen-huge" from the Yogen Fruz at the student centre... he was a lot like that guy.  Yogen-huge wore a similar ensemble, and whenever you bought a frozen yogurt, he would watch his bicep flex in the reflection of the yogurt press as he pulled down on the lever to create your frozen treat for you.  Soooo entertaining!  Anyway, I think I'll call my new friend at Tim's "Flex Horton".

2.  "Surly Sally" - The woman who was driving the shuttle van for our Dodge dealership drove me home today after I dropped our Dodge Caravan off for repairs.  She seemed a little rough around the edges, and this was confirmed for me when she started going on, and on, and on, and ON about how much she doesn't like Dodge Caravans.  She said she hates them, and she only says nice things about them when she's working because she works for a Dodge dealer, but that she really hates them and that she thinks no one in their right mind would buy one.  The whole time I'm thinking:  "but you ARE working... right this very instant!"  Me and the other Dodge Caravan owner who were being shuttled home by this woman just looked at each other and kind of shrugged.  It was so weird.  Don't people think about what they are saying anymore?

3.  "The Scary People in the Corner" - Ok, maybe Tim Hortons draws a disproportionate amount of interesting people, or maybe I just spend too much time there, but either way, I am still afraid of the gang of people who were sitting in the corner of Tim Hortons today.  For some reason, the staff had run out of eggs for their breakfast sandwiches when I arrived, so I was instructed to sit down and wait.  So, I sat down and waited.  And as I waited, I started to eavesdrop... as I am VERY prone to do.  These people have the most frightening family dynamics I have ever heard of!  The one woman was loudly sharing this gem of a story:

"So then I was so pissed that I grabbed Dad by the neck and choke slammed him onto the driveway and he got up and lunged at me and I pushed him back down and said to him, 'yeah... how do you like that, Dad?  I guess that's what you get for teaching your daughter how to fight back!'.  He sure as hell backed off after that!"

This was met with great whoops and hollers of approval from her table mates.  Meanwhile, one table over, I was trying desperately to look nonchalant and disinterested.  Not sure it was working.  As this was going on, the woman's little girl (couldn't have been more than 3 years old) was standing off to my left, staring intently at me with her face about a foot away from mine.  I finally turned and looked at her and she stared for a moment longer and then wandered off.  That in itself was strange.

Then, another woman at the table starts talking about how she looks nothing like her brother.  She is pounding her fist on the table at one point, emphatic about how much it bothers her that people say they look similar.  Then the choke slamming woman pipes up and says, "You are in denial and you need to hear this.  You and your brother look identical.  I know you don't want to hear that you look like a dude, but it's best you hear it from me.... you look just like him, so just drop it!"

What the...?  What a weird moment.  I was a little worried I was going to see some fisticuffs.  :-)

4.  "The Chives Aficionado" - I was trying to leave Rona a few days ago with Kaycie barely in tow.  I had a cart full of stuff and she just would not stay close to me.  I had to push my cart down a short stretch of a busy part of the parking lot before we got to our van, and keeping Kaycie by my side was consuming every bit of my energy.  As I was desperately trying to drag her back to the cart, without letting my wonky cart drift into oncoming traffic, this woman starts grilling me about the stuff in my cart... and it was all chive related questions.  "Where did you get those chives?  Are those lemon chives?  Do you eat a lot of chives?  Do they have more chives inside?  Where do you plant your chives?  How often do you water chives?"  I have never been so close to screaming at a perfect stranger in my entire life.  I suppose that had to do with the brink of insanity to which my daughter had successfully pushed me that morning, but still - isn't that an unusual amount of chive questions to be asking a stranger?  And didn't she notice that I was losing my battle with Kaycie is a super-spectacular fashion?  Everyone else in the parking lot noticed that I might as well be trying to stuff an octopus into a mesh bag with all of the success I was having in corralling my daughter... why couldn't this woman notice?  I somehow eventually extracted myself from the chive line of questioning and got to the car without losing my daughter or any of my chives!

Well... that's it for now.  I'll keep my eyes peeled for more interesting people... the summer seems to always draw them out of the woodwork!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Kaycie Sez...

Good morning!  I am enjoying a coffee and watching my kids play before we kick this day into high gear.  I decided I would try to squeeze in some Kaycie-isms while all is calm here at the homestead:

Apparently said (so I hope I've quoted her correctly) while I was upstairs trying to get Knolan to sleep when we ventured out to Oakville yesterday to visit with my university roommate and another friend from residence (that I hadn't seen in 15 years!!  It was awesome, by the way.):  "So, what is there to do in this town?"

At breakfast: "My favourite food is bread and butter because I like bread with butter on top of it.  It tastes just like bread with butter on it!!"

One night she was having a really difficult time falling asleep, so I decided to lay beside her in bed until she fell asleep.  I read her stories, I softly sang her songs, I kissed her and snuggled her and then counted sheep for her until I was sure she was asleep.  As I slowly and carefully slid out of her bed and tried to tip toe out of the room, I jumped when I heard her firmly say:  "If you leave this room you are in BIG trouble!"  My goodness!

And introducing... The Kaycie Dictionary.  She has adapted these words somehow.  We keep trying to correct her, but to no avail:

- Lasterday.  Used in a sentence:  "Mom, remember when you bought that watermelon lasterday?"
- Callapitter.  Used in a sentence:  "Oooh!  Look!  There's a callapitter on our plant!"
- Porkules.  Used in a sentence: "Dad, can we watch the Porkules movie?"  (if you're still scratching your head, she's talking about Hercules.)

Friday, June 3, 2011

Telling off Doctors, Snubbing Patients, and Assaulting Dentists

Ok... that title is not my favourite, but I just couldn't seem to come up with something that would truly capture what has been going on in my corner of the universe lately.

Plus, it's 4:30am right now, and my brain just isn't happy to be awake and has decided to operate at 50% in protest.

You see... in the 11 months since my son was born, I had become quite used to late night/early morning wakings, and that was when I would fit in my blog writing.  If, however, you have been a regular follower of flippity floo, you will have noticed I've been kind of MIA.  Well, this is because Knolan has started sleeping through the night!!  Woo hoo!

I guess this means that I'll have to find another way to keep this blog alive, though.  Finding another time in the day to write has been a big challenge, unfortunately, but since I do enjoy documenting my family's exploits and my fondest memories, I'm sure I'll figure out a way to do it.

Anyway, after that little update... on to blogging!

I am finding myself awake because my little girl's had a rough go of things today and my mommy radar is compelling me to go check on her frequently.  Actually, she's had a rough go of things over the last month, really.  It started with some sort of stomach flu that never seemed to end at the beginning of May, then some wicked abdominal pains that culminated in an appendicitis scare a week or two ago, and then yesterday she had a terrible allergic reaction to some bug bites.

But, as is her way, Kaycie managed to make us laugh many times this month, and most of the laughter has come from her interaction with doctors, hospital staff, and other patients.

(ok... fell asleep writing this last night, but I'm back!  Kaycie is resting on the couch, and awesomely, Knolan is having a super long snooze!)

For example, when we took her to the ER after a doctor at the walk-in clinic was concerned she might have appendicitis (or a kidney problem, or a lymph node infection - as you can imagine, we were trying very hard not to freak!), we had waited, and waited, and waited to see a doctor.  Kaycie was miraculously being a very, very patient patient given that it was waaay past her bedtime.  But, as is her way, the more tired she got, the more interesting her interactions with people became.

There was the imaginary ice cream shop that Kaycie set up for the custodial staff who came by regularly to say hi to her.  It was a bit like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, as no one was permitted to choose their own flavour.  No one.

There was also the invitation to the X-ray technician to come and draw unicorns with her.

But everyone's favourite (and by favourite, I mean every single person within earshot of the nursing station) quip, though, had to be during her chat with the ER doctor.  Kaycie had just come back from the washroom, and kind of veered off into the nursing station to check it out.  I quickly tried to divert her back to her hospital bed, but the ER doctor stopped us and said to Kaycie, "Wow... you look super summery in those flip flops!  You look like you are ready for summer!"  Kaycie's response?

"Well.... I'm just going to go back to my room now.  You probably should go do your work." 

The entire group of nurses burst into peals of uncontrollable laughter, and the harassment of the doctor started immediately.  The nurses took great pleasure in reminding him that he was slacking and he had to endure several suggestions to "get back to work".  The doctor came by later to assure Kaycie that he was working hard, and to caution Ken and me that we should brace ourselves for her teenage years. 

Fast forward to yesterday, we found ourselves in the ER again with Kaycie.  She had a terrible allergic reaction to some bug bites, and to make a long story short, after a second trip to the walk-in clinic in one day, we were advised to go to the hospital.

Here are a couple of pictures of our little munchkin's face after she had her reaction and then again this morning - she was bit on the cheek and on her chest by something in our backyard. We'll probably never know what it was, but I sure wish I did know!  It made her eye swell almost completely shut.

Last night

This morning
She was a little trooper, and I have to say that the staff at the hospital were WONDERFUL and made her feel like a little princess.  After Kaycie gave the intake nurse a rambling and precocious review of her bug bite journey, they became fast friends.  The nurse paraded Kaycie around, introducing her to all the staff as her little "12 year old in a 4 year old's body".  Kaycie was wearing a ring with a pink plastic heart shaped gem on it, and all of the women in the ER ooohed and ahhhed over it as Kaycie told them that she was going to get married to her friend Marcus AND to her brother.  Kaycie was predictably thrilled with all of the attention, and thankfully, it took her mind off her eye.

However, once we were assigned a hospital bed, we discovered we were sharing a room with an elderly woman.  She looked very tired, but she weakly smiled and waved to Kaycie.  That would have been just fine, however, after a minute or two, this woman's family arrived with great fanfare.  Things went a bit downhill from there.  :-)

This woman's daughter and her husband were VERY interested in Kaycie's eye.  They asked me many, many, many, MANY questions about what happened.  But this part was craaa-zyyy:  As soon as they heard it was a bug bite, the daughter gasped and threw her leg up on Kaycie's bed and whipped her pant leg up to tell us about her own bug bite, and apparently to reveal THE hairiest leg I have ever seen!

Now, I do realize it's only natural, and I'm also pretty sure I personally know some women who choose not to shave their legs, but I think that the novelty of having a perfect stranger plop her leg in front of me with more hair than I'd ever seen was too much for me!  But it wasn't just that... she put her leg down and dramatically hoisted it up on the bed at least 3 times.  The fourth time, she concluded that I needed to treat Kaycie's bite with mustard oil 3 times a day.  What?

Then the daughter started poking Kaycie's tummy vigorously and saying, "Do you not eat anything?  Is your tummy empty? Do you want me to go get you something to eat?  What do you want?  What do you want to eat?  A chicken burger?  You want a chicken burger!"

Lucky for me I find it fairly easy to be polite to weirdos, so I gently thanked them and declined their kind, but bizarre offer.  And then I pulled Kaycie closer to me to avoid further tummy prodding (?!?!).

The best part came next, though.  Kaycie gestured wildly at me to come close to her.  So, I bent down and put my ear close to her mouth as she completely UN-subtly "loud-whispers" in my ear for all to hear:


Oh boy... I know kids can sometimes get away with saying stuff like this while coming off as cute, but this couple and their mom were hard for me to read.  I kind of held my breath as I looked up to see their faces.  What I saw was HILARIOUS!  They are both looking at me, rubbing their hands together Monty Burns style, wide eyed with anticipation, excitedly asking, "What did she say?  What did she say?"

So, I truthfully said that she wanted me to close the curtain so that she wouldn't give them a fever.  Phew!  I have no idea how they didn't hear her, but I yanked that curtain closed pronto!

I'm telling you... I meet interesting people all the time!

And now on to assaulting dentists.  My daughter wasn't the only one spreading her special brand of affection in the health care industry.  I, too, am guilty this week.

I recently switched dentists, and so I went to an appointment with her this week to chart my teeth and review my x-rays.  I generally feel pretty safe and secure at the dentist office, but this time around, I had been experiencing some pretty serious pain when I flossed between 2 particular teeth.

So, when the dentist came in to start charting and poking around, I was very deliberate about pointing out to her that I had this particular issue.  I showed her exactly where it was, and I described in detail to her that there is no problem when I insert the dental floss between my teeth, but that when I pull the floss back out, there is excruciating pain.  I even used miming motions to articulate my point with as much flair as possible!

My dentist assured me that she was grateful that I pointed this out, and that she wanted to take a look.  So, she grabs a stretch of dental floss, and slides it between the offending teeth.  Just as she does so, I remind her to be gentle (slight control issues?).  Then she just throws caution to the wind and whips that floss right back out as fast as it went in.

And that's when I did it. 

I punched my dentist in the head.  Much to our mutual surprise, I might add!

I kind of wish I could make a diagram of this.  Wait... maybe I can use Paint.

Aha!  Success!  Here is an artistic rendition of my assault:

I am the one with the ample chest and the flowing hair, and the dentist is the one who is flourishing the strand of floss with a sad face.  You will see from the diagram and the helpful arrows that my knee-jerk (arm-jerk?) reaction to the AGONIZING PAIN was to whip my clenched hand upwards and backwards, thereby striking the dentist in the head.

She was very understanding, and I must have apologized a million times.  The crummy ending to the story is that she can't figure out why I'm getting this kind of pain, so she's going to have to try a couple of things to see what will work.  Awesome.

So there you have it, the verbal berating of an ER doctor, the snubbing of the wacky roommates, and a dental throw-down.  We're good people... I swear!!!